Boundaries are hardest to set with the people you’ve known the longest—your parents—and it’s natural to stress about how they’ll go over. “People worry that by asserting this preference, they’re tearing down the relationship or not honoring that emotional closeness,” says Henna Pryor, author of Good Awkward: How to Embrace the Embarrassing and Celebrate the Cringe to Become The Bravest You. “But actually, you’re upgrading the relationship for your adult life.”
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Being clear about your wants, needs, and deal-breakers can reduce resentment, invite mutual understanding, and teach others how to treat you. It’s an opportunity to model what healthy respect looks like and rewrite old patterns, experts say. Here’s exactly how to approach the conversation with your folks, and how to navigate the most common scenarios.
“I know you’re trying to help, and I appreciate that. Right now, I just need someone to listen, not solve.”
The only thing worse than bad advice is advice you didn’t want in the first place. If your parents love dishing out unsolicited tips, Pryor advises first reminding yourself that they’re doing it because they care and want to be helpful. “What we don’t want to do is not acknowledge that intention, because that’s generally where it’s coming from,” she says.
After thanking your parent, pause for a moment—which softens the incoming boundary and gives it space to land. Then explain how much you appreciate having their ear. “It’s a gentle re-steering of the role you want them to play,” she says.”You’re not pushing them away—you’re letting them know you need someone to listen or hold space, instead of telling you what to do.”
“I miss you too, and I’m doing my best to balance everything. Can we plan a time that works for both of us?”
Your parents might complain how they never see you anymore—only to guilt trip you with a last-minute invitation. Approach setting a boundary from, first, an emotional place—you’re eager to spend more time together, too—and then move on to the logic, Pryor suggests. That means figuring out a time that will work for both of you, so you don’t have to turn down impromptu plans and then feel bad about it.
It’s important to skip the accusatory tone, she adds: “Why do you always do this last-minute?” Instead, focus on developing a structure or schedule that works for both of you.
“I want to be fully present when we talk, so can we stick to [time or day]? Otherwise, I’m usually mid-something and can’t give you my full focus.”
If your parents keep calling at inconvenient times, set a boundary around a time that works best for both of you: “Mom, I can’t wait to hear about your lunch with Aunt Judy, but right now I’m trying to get a project out the door. Let’s talk after dinner.”
That way, Pryor says, they’ll see you want to be able to give them your undivided attention and be present rather than multitasking through the conversation. You could also create an office-hours-type schedule, as long as you follow through consistently, she adds: “Boundaries are created in repetition, not one-offs.”
“I care about our relationship, which is why I’m asking that we not talk about this topic today.”
This is an ideal way to set a boundary when navigating recurring conflict, whether it’s about politics, parenting choices, or past grievances. “It communicates that the goal isn’t avoidance—it’s preservation,” says Caroline Fenkel, chief clinical officer with the virtual mental-health platform Charlie Health. “You’re setting the boundary because you care, not because you want to shut the other person out.”
She suggests drawing these lines as early as possible, before you’re mid-conflict, and keeping your message short and clear. If necessary, reinforce your boundary by offering a redirect: “Let’s focus on the time we have together.”
“I love you, but I’m not the right person to help with that.”
This boundary is especially helpful when a parent leans on you for emotional support in ways that feel overwhelming or inappropriate: venting about your other parent, processing their own mental health, or relying on you for constant reassurance. “It gently reorients the relationship back to one that feels more sustainable,” Fenkel says. Lead with empathy, then pivot. For example: “That sounds really hard. Have you talked to your therapist about it?”
“It’s not about shutting them down,” she adds. “It’s about reminding both of you that you’re their child, not their therapist.”
“I’ve made peace with my decision, and I know it may not be how you would’ve done it. But I need you to respect that it works for me.”
Maybe you have one of those parents who criticizes every life choice, from who you date to how you parent. Pryor suggests reframing: Criticism, in many cases, is worry in disguise, she points out. It can be helpful to focus on setting a firm but loving boundary. Let mom or dad know you appreciate their concern and understand they would have gone about things differently, but that you need them to respect that you’re doing what’s best for you. “It signals closure and confidence,” she says. “You’re not asking for approval; you’re asserting self-trust. That’s boundary gold.”
“I’m still sorting through that myself, so I’m not ready to talk about it yet. When I am, I promise you’ll be one of the first to know.”
Nosy parents love digging for details you’re not ready to share. Often, that’s because they feel disconnected, like you don’t need them anymore. Setting a boundary “gives a clear ‘not now’ without slamming the door,” Pryor says. “It’s a ‘later’ that gives you breathing room and helps them feel included down the line.”
Try to keep your tone matter-of-fact and reassuring, she adds, like you’re offering a raincheck, not dodging them.
“I’m working on trusting my own decisions. It means a lot to know you’re in my corner.”
If your parent tends to over-step, you may need to set a boundary that makes it clear you’re the CEO of your own life. Let them know you appreciate the fact that, if you need them, they’ll be there—but it’s important for you to figure things out on your own, says Elika Dadsetan, CEO and executive director of VISIONS, a non-profit that helps people and organizations navigate difficult conversations. By doing so, “You’re shifting from that parent-child relationship to an adult-adult relationship,” she says, which is healthy for everyone.
“I’m doing this to protect our relationship.”
Boundaries are sometimes interpreted as rejection, Dadsetan points out, so make it a point to remind your parents that you’re drawing these lines in the interest of a better, healthier relationship. You could say: “I imagine this feels unfamiliar or scary—I just need to show up a little differently.” It can be helpful to acknowledge that the transition might be difficult, she adds, but that it will be worth it in the long term.
“Setting boundaries is an act of trust,” Dadsetan says. “You’re trusting that the relationship can evolve and improve, and just like you’re trying to improve and evolve, your parents can, too, even if it takes some time.”
