I have always been open about my mental health in the hope others will feel less alone with their own battle. I really believe that the more we share, the more healing can take place for all. We are always stronger together.
About 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety and Pure O, OCD (which can be described as OCD of the mind, where you want to keep your thoughts ‘clean’). I started experiencing really scary intrusive thoughts that they now think were a result of a personal loss and trauma – causing my brain to head into a ‘fear response’ resulting in PTSD. Research confirms there is now a clear comorbidity between PTSD and OCD.
In retrospect though, I think I always struggled with anxiety that would sit in different areas of my life while growing up. I am grateful to be able to have a diagnosis that has ultimately allowed me to seek the very specific help I needed.
I am also an extreme perfectionist, which causes me to place huge pressure on myself, worsening the related anxiety itself.
I can be grateful for my perfectionism, which has played a role in how I show up in various aspects of my life, such as my career and my zest to live a full life. However, there are times that this little meanie inside can really wreck some days. This is when the perfectionist in me takes the form of my anxiety.
I would say the past 5 years have probably been the most transformative of my life.
Here’s what I want to remind everyone:
- You can live an amazing life alongside anxiety or any mental health challenge.
- Help is out there, but it may take time to find the right kind.
- It’s a journey, not a race to a perfect finish line.
- Anxiety can be a teacher, strengthening you to live a meaningful life.
- It humbles and grounds you, reminding you what truly matters.
- It does improve over time with the right support.
- Those who struggle are resilient fighters, often living extraordinary lives.
So as the journey goes, I’m learning to sit with imperfection. I’m learning to surrender to uncertainty.
The hustling anxious perfectionist in me has kept me in fight or flight mode most of my life. As I said, my racing and intense mind has had lots of positives and negatives. The positives: it allows me to laser focus and achieve, and work really hard. As my team will agree, it keeps me relentless. It also allows me to give my loved ones and life my all. I am ALL in, and my standards for myself are high. It has also allowed me to be an ambitious dreamer and create and manifest the life I had always hoped for.
The negatives: Sometimes these standards I place on myself are too high which results in painful amounts of pressure. At its worst, when the anxiety sets in or when my deep fear of uncertainty raises its ugly head – everything can all feel very scary, consumingly painful, all encompassing. It takes over and pulls me right down to believe that I am simply not good enough – in anything that I do. Literally.
The gift of therapy (mostly the last 5 years) has taught me to live alongside imperfection, anxiety and uncertainty… and actually has invited me to immerse in these emotions, rather than fight them off.
It’s that act of surrendering to the imperfection, anxiety and uncertainty that brings true and long lasting peace of mind. I did not know how to do that either, trust me!
It’s honestly freedom, however it takes time and ongoing work to get there.
In reflection, I’ve always struggled with surrendering to uncertainty, which causes the actual anxiety for me. My thoughts keep me dizzy with finding that certainty of knowing everything in my precious life will be protected. On top of that, my perfectionist type nature yells at me not to have any of these thoughts all together.
My father in law taught me: “The racing thoughts are like a rocking chair Jess… keeps you busy but unfortunately doesn’t get you anywhere.”
My therapist’s favourite hand gesture to me when my anxiety is trying to keep me in its forceful grip… “hands up Jess” – meaning we can’t know it will all be okay, we have to surrender to the anxiety of uncertainty. It’s this letting go that takes away its power. Though it’s the last thing my anxiety often wants to do, the hands up approach really did lead me to peace.
What I learnt through the right CBT based therapy is that it’s best not to feed those anxious, perfectionist or fear based thoughts… OR fight them. Rather, I needed to choose to live alongside them without a fear based reaction. This literally builds new pathways in our brains (the research is outstanding) and teaches our mind to calm down, in turn allowing your nervous system to drop. Suddenly your brain starts feeling safer over time. It’s very challenging at the start, but became a habit that changed my life.
Also, un-attaching to the meaning of our thoughts (that the brain literally just spits out that are usually fear based) is also key. Learning to manage our thoughts without letting them overtake your mind and body, is what I call a beautiful peaceful life. I hope to always know how to come back to this way of life should my OCD or anxiety rear its head. Truthfully, I’m proud of myself for getting closer and closer to this place, because it’s bringing me more joy and peace than I’ve had probably my whole life. And, if you are struggling, I share this to give you that hope too. I still have really hard days, but I have the tools in my box to know how to sit with it, and let it wash over me, and emerge on the other side.
I also knew I needed to do this inner work before having kids. Though having done the work doesn’t mean I don’t have anxious thoughts. Imperfect anxious thoughts come up throughout the day, but how I react to them now prevents them spiraling to dark places. I am the one in control of my mind.
I wanted to write this as a reminder, that for some of us it is not as natural to have a quiet mind, calm and non-anxious brain. You can still learn to live an amazing life alongside that powerful mind, however it’s wired, but you don’t have to suffer through mental illness alone. And do not forget – it is often that anxiety that shapes a lot of the blessings in our lives.
This is life… beautiful, painful, calm, chaotic, hard, easy, amazing. It’s ultimately imperfect – but unfortunately the new world of social media doesn’t allow us to see that. Some days will be good, and others will be harder. Either way, we will always be okay if we surround ourselves with love and connection, and get the help we need on our mental health journeys.
Finally, it’s important to identify with our challenges, but also our strengths. Our challenges ultimately become our strengths as we navigate through them. So, there is no need to wish them away.
Love and care,
J x
My Top Resources:
I have personally been in CBT and ERP therapy for obsessive/anxiety based thoughts if you want to research more:
- The OCD Stories Podcast – This is a wonderful podcast where the best therapists share their insights on OCD and anxiety.
- NOCD. This is an amazing website with resources and therapy options for OCD.
What is PURE O OCD? Read more here:
Books:
- Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts
- Mindfulness Workbook
- Self Compassion Workbook
If you or anyone you know is struggling right now, please reach out to someone or call:
- Lifeline for 24 hour crisis support on 13 11 14 (AUS)
- You can also call 1-800-985-5990 or text “TalkWithUs” to 66746 (USA)
- Text word ‘SHOUT’ to 85258 (UK)
