Being a therapist means listening to a lot of clients’ problems. Between their schooling, reading, continuing-education requirements, workplace mentors, general curiosity, and learnings from patients, therapists are full of practical advice to improve mental health and well-being.
But what’s the one mighty mental-health tip that stands out above all others? We tapped psychotherapists and psychologists for the single piece of advice that has changed their own lives for the better.
You have more time than you think before you react
Remembering to take the time to think things through, formulate a response, and decide on a course of action has positively affected New York City-based psychotherapist Lauren Tinaglia’s mental health, relationships, and work. “You always have at least a few seconds to take a breath and check in with yourself,” Tinaglia says. (She also recommends slowly counting to 10, taking a walk around the block, or journaling for a few minutes if that’s more your style.)
“I often put pressure on myself to have the right answer or response right away,” which ratchets up anxiety, Tinaglia says. After taking a few slow, deep breaths, acknowledging her feelings (or asking herself how she’s feeling if she’s unsure), and reminding herself that her feelings are valid, she can decide with a level head how she wants to respond. Doing so helps her “access the calmer, kinder, wiser, more thoughtful, more empathic, less impulsive, and more grounded parts of me that I want to lead with,” says Tinaglia.
Imagine troublesome people in your life as preschoolers
Brooke Bardin, director of clinical operations at Victory Starts Now, a nonprofit providing comprehensive support to people affected by the justice system in Los Angeles, has taken to picturing frustrating and annoying people she has to deal with regularly as young, innocent children around age four. “When you’re talking to them and start to feel annoyed, bring up that mental image,” she says: how they were, basically, “before they developed behaviors that now make you want to pull your hair out.”
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“This technique has really helped me handle difficult people with more patience and empathy, as it reminds me that everyone has that little child within them,” Bardin says.
She used it recently at work, in fact: when dealing with someone who wasn’t being empathetic, “I pictured her as a five-year-old with pigtails, smiling and boisterous but not yet verbally aggressive,” says Bardin. “Almost immediately, my anger faded, and I was able to talk to her more patiently.”
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You’re not that special
Jonathan Levine, a therapy lead at Equip Health in Philadelphia, knows that it may sound rude: You’re not that special, so don’t take yourself that seriously. “But if you can lean into it, it will take you far,” he says.
Levine used to have severe social anxiety and felt insecure that people wouldn’t like him, but that changed after his therapist reminded him that he wasn’t that special—people weren’t always paying attention to everything he did. “I found that freeing,” he says. As a therapist, Levine frequently reminds his patients of the same fact, especially when they’re frustrated or overcome by big emotions.
“As a human, this helps me stay calm when I make mistakes or get caught up in thinking about what my life ‘should’ be like,” he explains. “It takes away the ego of it all.”
Do a brief energy check before committing to an activity
“I gauge the emotional energy I have for an activity or interaction before committing to it,” says Patty Johnson, a clinical psychologist at Nia Integrative Healing in Oak Park, Ill. That helps her decide how much time to spend on it. “If I don’t take that pause, I may not do it at all because it feels too big, or I may overcommit and eventually feel exhausted and resentful,” she says.
Stop asking questions that start with “why”
Milissa Aronson, owner of Magnolia Psychotherapy in Summit, N.J., says this communication style has helped her to avoid unnecessary conflict over the years. “Whenever possible, I avoid asking questions that start with the word ‘why,’” she says of this “popular therapist technique.” While “why?” may seem like a benign question to the asker, it can put the responder in a defensive mindset. The answer generally starts with “because”—putting them in a guarding stance.
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Aronson recommends reframing such questions with phrases like “What happened?” or “How come?” to spare you potential squabbles or hurt feelings.
If your child is driving you crazy, remind yourself it won’t always be this way
Katherine Mahan, a private practice mental-health counselor in Richmond, Va., remembers one evening when both of her sons were under age four, and she felt overwhelmed because she wasn’t able to meet both of their needs at once. Caught in the middle of breastfeeding and boiling water for pasta for her hungry older child, Mahan felt “on the verge of tears.”
Everyone got fed, nobody was burned, and she “thankfully never had to perform that particular feat again.” Still, Mahan couldn’t knock the feeling of overwhelm. Some time later, she read a bit of wisdom that she has found helpful to this day: “In the times when you are feeling completely drained or dysregulated by your children, imagine that you have come back in time from the future to spend one more day with them at these very ages,” she says. “This resonated with me and allowed me to get some healthy distance from my own emotions and refocus my attention on my children.”
Feel the water on your hands as you wash the dishes
Or the texture of a cozy throw pillow. Or the heat from fresh laundry out of the dryer. “Connecting with the senses, like touch—especially during tedious, frustrating, or stressful tasks—brings us out of worry about the future and regret about the past, and simply to what is in the present,” says Aaron Gilbert, founder of Boston Evening Therapy Associates.
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In fact, “focusing on the senses reminds us that pleasure and peace and enjoyment are not on the other side of tedious tasks, or that next job promotion, or ‘once I finally figure my life out,’” he says. “Rather, pleasure and peace and enjoyment are only truly available in the present moment.”
Some meditation apps like Headspace and Calm have guided tracks designed to be listened to while walking, cleaning, or doing chores. You may find these helpful in encouraging you to tap into your senses and tune into nature or your surroundings.
Don’t care about someone’s problem more than they do
Kiki Ramsey, CEO of Positive Psychology Coaching and Diversity Institute in Atlanta, says that this mental-health insight has affected her life more than anything else. “This wisdom has helped me manage my anxiety, control stress levels, and navigate my relationships more effectively,” she says.
Early in her coaching career, Ramsey says she often felt more committed to her clients’ success and goals than they were, and that this extended into her personal relationships.
“There was a particular moment when a family member was contemplating a career change. Despite their lack of enthusiasm, I found myself obsessively invested in their journey, pushing harder than they were,” she recalls. Then Ramsey had a revelation: “As much as I wanted to support and guide others, they needed to own their own problems and solutions.”
By stepping back and allowing others the autonomy to tackle their own issues, Ramsey has found immense relief. “It was liberating to realize that I could offer support without feeling responsible for the outcomes. This shift has been instrumental in reducing my stress and allowing me to focus on areas where I can make a meaningful impact.”
There’s a difference between a thought and thinking
Joanna Hardis, an anxiety and OCD therapist in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, and author of Just Do Nothing: A Paradoxical Guide to Getting Out of Your Way, learned this idea decades ago in a meditation class. “Having spent most of my life worrying until that point, I had never imagined that worrying (and ruminating) might be something in my control,” she says. “If it was in my control, that meant I might not have to do it all the time.”
Having been a therapist for more than five years at the time, she wondered how she had never heard that the presence of a thought is largely a spontaneous event out of our control. “Thinking, on the other hand, is a behavior—it’s our involvement or engagement with the thought,” says Hardis. “The more we engage, the deeper we can get. Unlearning this loop was the key for me to stop worrying.”
